Thursday, November 03, 2005

"Change of Seasons"

I recently unearthed a collection of poems and lyrics and prose I had put together way back when. Mostly it was stuff I had written while in West Hartford from '97-'01. Most of the lyrics are angst filled depictions of heartbreak. I read them earlier today and felt immediately transported to that time when I was going through all kinds of rejections from female friends and so on. And I recalled how depressed I was over other things like how my job sucked at the time and how I had no real set goals or directions in life and how my job was meaningless to me and how jealous I was that everyone around me seemed to have everything all worked out in their heads and they never went without.

The problem I found with the work I just discovered is that not only is it dated, but it's not very creative to me. I wrote this stuff, but I can see clearly that this was not my best work or even close. It was all free form prose and it seemed more like I was ranting and pouring out verbal vomit... best way to describe. And to think that I was considering publishing this collection. I suppose if someone wanted to delve into the essence of some 20-something's angst, you can get that and see that my angst is no different than a teenager's angst.

In my perspective now as a 30 year old, angst is a tired subject to me... kind of. I write horror novels now, but some of my characters still cling to their angst and bitter sorrows and heartaches... it is who they are. The characters that have this angst that I had not so many years ago want the same things I wanted, to weather those storms and get over them. They want to grow up and mature and find the things they deserve.

When I read or listen to music and come across something reeking of angst I kind of cringe. It seems like the whole music industry for a while was built on angst and over emotional, insubstantial issues. Millions of dollars in records sold based on the emotional vulnerabilities of teens. The music industry seems to love to capitalize on the "emotional trends" of teens. Angst seems to be the hottest new trend... next to white kids thinking their in the ghetto Hip-Hop/Gangster Rap culture....

Books and literature so far hasn't really delved into expoiting angst so much. At least if it has, I haven't been exposed to too much of it. I have seen some coming of age stories and young adult novels or books... which seems to play with angst here and there... but in the context of stories written for teens and young adults, it is sorta exceptable so long as the subject of angst isn't the only subject. Healing I think has to follow up angst. Stories without some uplifting message or some form of resolution or positve hope message kinda leave me feeling down and makes me always wonder about the author's motive.

Well before I get off on some wild tangent again from poetry collections to angst, I'll bid you all a fair evening. If I do publish this collection of mine, it will only be after I edit the hell out of it and refine my thoughts a bit. The poems make a nice time capsule but they do not reflect my current moods and feelings and thoughts much.


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